Bitch-slap!

SH*T – P*SS – F*CK – C*NT – C*CKSUCKER – MOTHERF*CKER – TITS!!!!!!!

The 7 “dirty words” you can’t say on television – appropriately edited for any sensitive little flowers that may stumble across this blog.

And just why am I resorting to such a string of expletives, I hear you ask? Because I am totally pissed off with the way I seem to have to look after people all the time!!!

My main squeeze had yet another instance where somebody ignored him in a conversation today – I had the outright temerity to not notice this, which is tantamount to supporting it, apparently. It happens all the time – because people are essentially stupid, racist arse-wipes, but there’s no telling him that!! My attitude is more like “fuck them, who needs them or their shit” and walk away. But the poor wee lad cracks the shits – usually with me! – about pretty much everything that happens that he doesn’t like. Somehow, it always seems to be my fault in one way or another – natch!

The truth of the matter – at least a part of it – is that he is just too self-effacing; I’ve watched him sit through meetings, where everyone else was happily venturing an opinion, with his eyes closed!! Never spoke a word for the whole hour and a half!!! He seems to do this or its equivalent in all relationships except those in which he feels safe enough to let fly; which he occasionally does to the point of breaking the furniture! As with everything negative that he does – it’s never “his fault” – natch! It’s always someone else – usually me – who has “made” him get so angry that he feels the compelling need to smash something; do I hear the term “anger management” from anyone??

He claims to be “Buddhist to the core”, but the truth is he’s just a screwed up boy who never got over his father’s departure or the fact that, despite his intelligence, he’s never managed to make a big splash in life. I’ve TRIED to tell him that it’s all a big crapshoot and that fame’n’fortune land indiscriminately on the loved and the unloved; he won’t listen – natch! He’s about as “Buddhist” as Santa Claus – but without the “Ho ho ho”.

So I have to deal with it – his tempers, his accusations, his bullshi*t appeals to the “higher power” he fondly imagines is looking after everything – and doing a truly lousy job, if it DOES exist! I have enough trouble dealing with my own personal sh*t without taking his on at the same time – he seems to think he’s the only one with problems of any moment; in other words, he’s as self-centred and wilfully oblivious to anyone else’s difficulties as are 99.999% of the world’s population. If he knew the sh*t I’VE had to put up with in my long and tortuous life – but he doesn’t and he wouldn’t be the slightest bit interested if he did. His problems are SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than mine or anyone else’s – natch!

Is it worth staying with him? Have to admit, my little chickadees, it’s getting’ harder to justify hanging around. Every time he does his “release-my-anger” crap all over the carpet, it blows another hole in my resolve to stick it out. Eventually, I suspect, the whole edifice will be so shot full of them it will come crashing down in a big heap – same way it did the last time – and yours truly will be out the door with nary a turn of the head to mark my departure.

My moan this time? I want to be looked after for a change. I want to be able to live my life the way I want to within the limits of the law – or at least without getting caught! I want to be able to look at whatever hot, legal porn I want to without having to put up with the net-nanny blocking most of my access because HE'S petrified that illegal content might somehow find its way in; I want to be able to eat what I feel like when I feel like it; I want to be able to manage my money the way I want to – not according to some bullsh*t rules dreamed up in a time where everyone was (and could be) debt free; I want to be able to express my social, religious, economic, political, and every other opinion without being told that I’m “naïve” about it because I don’t support the fundamentally right-wing, uber-conservative cr*pola he parrots from that idiot “religious leader” he follows. Essentially, my boyfriend is a right-wing SOB who would be shaving his head, raising his fist, and kicking the crap out of “towel-heads” if he had been born white and lived in Europe. And let me tell you – IT SUCKS!!!!

He needs to get his arse back to his own country, where his “kind” – meaning racially – are the vast majority and where he might – just might – be able to get the great big chip he has against “whiteys” off his shoulder – in other words, lose the massive inferiority complex related to his internalised and largely unconscious racism that currently governs his life.

But ---- whatever. I’m on a path that, while he certainly inspired it, is now only peripherally related to him, and I’m not about to let him push me off it just because my failure would make him feel better about his own. I’ll stick with it for now – but if it comes to a choice between losing the shining future I am building or losing him – well …. let’s just say the ejector button is all primed and ready – and HE’S the one sittin’ in the hot-seat! Natch!